I had a nagging feeling and some sort of vision repeating in my mind for the past few days that I needed to create this. And through my sloppy mistakes and fumbling around and uncertainty, it seemed to have created itself. I did have some vague ideas on what I wanted to use and how I could ultimately make this, but I did feel that I needed to stop recording after the first few minutes. I wanted to throw it away, at first.
I took a deep breath, centered myself (whatever that means), and trusted the process, and kept going. View the finished piece here.
It’s the monkey inside of me that I constantly battle with that nags at me that: I’m not good enough and reminds me of how others might see my work, or distracts me with thoughts on wondering how the video will turn out or how many likes I might get, and how this will just be another piece of artwork jammed into a packed folder for my kids to discover someday after I’m long gone.
I have pieces that I painted over out of frustration from the monkey voice that I can still hear when I look at old scans of them, only to have people later ask me for a print or even the original. So it’s a strange dynamic…the things that happen during the creative process for me. Excitement, struggle, enjoyment, release, some pain, wonder, frustration, and always some growth.
I think recognition of the voice has been my greatest weapon against the monkey. The music helps.
I suspect I’m not alone in fighting the monkey. And 2021 has been a good year for many battles won. The point isn’t whether the art is great…or even mediocre (like this), but that I continue to fight through and create. Produce, no matter what. Any greatness comes in what I can stuff in my folder, and not what I leave in my head.
Fuck the monkey.
Original music by Collidoxa Third